The Company We Keep with Jackie Hillegers
Jackie Hillegers proposes that our deepest healing begins not within us, but between us – in the safety we create by genuine human connection…
We spend so much time trying to heal ourselves, that we often overlook one of the most powerful forms of medicine: genuine human connection. Our nervous system was never designed to heal alone and it learns about safety through people, long before it understands words: a newborn baby relies on the calm voice, gentle touch and reassuring presence of a parent, or caregiver to regulate its emotions.
Those early experiences teach the body what it feels like to be safe. As we grow older, our nervous system never stops looking for that same sense of connection. Throughout our lives, our nervous system continues to ask one silent question: Am I safe here?
Have you ever walked into a room where someone was visibly angry and you felt your body tense before a single word was spoken? Or, on the other hand, met someone whose calm presence made you breathe a little deeper without even realising it? Nothing around you changed, yet something within you did. Our bodies are always listening.
This is why we often say we can ‘feel’ another person’s energy. We may not consciously notice it, but we are constantly reading facial expressions, posture, tone of voice and behaviour for clues about whether we are safe.
Our nervous system processes these signals in milliseconds, shaping how calm, connected or defensive we feel. In many ways, our bodies begin communicating long before words do. Feeling safe is one of the most powerful regulators of the nervous system, which is why the company we keep matters so much.
Some people leave us feeling lighter, clearer and more ourselves. Others leave us replaying conversations for hours, questioning our worth or carrying tension we didn’t have before. Our nervous system remembers every interaction, quietly collecting evidence about whether the world feels safe or unpredictable.
Perhaps one of the greatest acts of self-care is not always adding something new to our lives, but gently asking ourselves who allows us to exhale. Who makes you feel heard? Who accepts your silence without making you feel awkward? Who leaves you feeling peaceful instead of emotionally exhausted? These people are part of your healing environment.
Of course, relationships are never perfect. We all have difficult days. We all become stressed, distracted or overwhelmed, but healthy relationships have repair. They apologise. They listen. They soften. They make space for honesty instead of punishment. And that brings me to something many of us find incredibly difficult – speaking up.
People spend years swallowing their thoughts because they fear conflict, rejection or disappointing others. Our words remain trapped inside our body, often appearing somewhere else – as a tension headache, a tight jaw, aching shoulders or endless overthinking at night. The nervous system was never meant to carry conversations that should have been spoken aloud. Finding your voice does not mean becoming louder; it means becoming more truthful.
Many of us were never taught how to express our needs in healthy ways. We learnt to avoid conflict, to keep the peace or to put everyone else’s well-being before our own. While these habits may have protected us at one point in our lives, they often come at a cost.
Every conversation we avoid requires our nervous system to keep holding onto it. We replay it in our minds, imagine different outcomes and carry the emotional weight long after the moment has passed. Speaking honestly with kindness and respect, allows our body to finally release what it has been carrying. Boundaries are healthy guidelines that allow relationships to become stronger, safer and more authentic.
Instead of enabling people’s behaviour, let them know how they make you feel and say things such as – “that does not make me feel good when you say that”, “I am just letting you know those words you spoke actually hurt me”, or “I need to walk away as I do not like your tone”.
These simple sentences can feel terrifying when we have spent years believing our needs are less important than everyone else’s. Yet every time we speak honestly, we are also letting others know that their behaviour is not OK. I encourage people to think about their relationships the same way they think about nutrition. We pay attention to the food we place into our bodies because we know it affects our health.
Yet we rarely stop to consider the emotional diet we consume every day. Who are we feeding our nervous system with? Constant criticism, negativity and unpredictability slowly teach the body to stay alert. Encouragement, compassion and consistency teach it something entirely different. It reminds us that life does not always have to feel like survival.
As I become older, I find myself choosing peace more often. I value conversations where people are not distracted by their surroundings and
I treasure people who ask how I am and genuinely wait for the answer. I have also learnt that calm people are not boring people.
Perhaps the greatest gift we can offer another person is our own calm presence. We never know the battles someone is quietly carrying. Long after our conversation is forgotten, they may still remember how safe they felt in our company. And sometimes, that feeling
is where healing begins.
